It's almost over and now something new has come up

i wuld like to start my blog with alhamdulillah and thank allah for everything that has happened.

Selepas di bebani hutang ...dan skarang hampir rasa berjaya dengan melepaskan diri dari hutang2 itu, sekarang ...saya pula dilanda sakit ...sakit buah asir....sakit yg teramat sangat dan terpaksa pergi ke hospital ..dan skarang hanya menunggu masa untuk dibedah ...

allah telah menjalani banyak ujian ke atasa saya...dan sebagai hambanya yang lemah dan tidak bermaya...saya hanya berharap padanya ...

semoga allah mengampunkan dosa2 saya dan juga keluarga saya .....

di dalam keadaan begini...saya rasa beruntung sangat kerana mempunyai ibu mertua dan isteri dan anak yang sangat penyayang dan mengambil berat terhadap diri ini....


ya...saya telah melakukan banyak perbuatan keji dan dikutuk oleh allah s.w.t...but please don't judge me....saya telah hanyut dibuai nafsu ...oleh rasa ingin memuaskan itulah saya telah jatuh sakit begini....


(now you know why i have to do this in malay?)

dalam bahasa melayu sahaja yang dapat meluahkan perasaan saya yang sedang dalam kesakitan ini ....

ya allah...kuatkanlah diri ini...berilah kesabaran dan keredhaan dan ertinya sekali.....


 

i feel better now

i feel so much better now ... i finally managed to tell her the truth after much speculation.... that really helped to ease my burden of her asking me each and every day ...she really understood my position as she is helping someone right now herself.... i thank god for the people who cared and understood ...thank you ...

throwback to wednesday .... i feel really bad that i lied my ass off...i lied to so many people ...i lied that MIL was sick...when i was at home having fun .... yup.... dear god....what will you punish me with next ?

am i going to be sick? im scared...but at the same time ...i just wanna have fun....

i want my cake and eat it too.....


i know what im doing is wrong ....and yet im still doing it... dear god...please protect me from what i want....

Its me again

I just read a blog which broke my heart... my blogs may not be as heartbreaking ...but i could feel darkness surrounding me...i try to remain calm and happy...but deep inside ...i am so hurt...and in pain...

as the eldest child and son...i am supposed to be destined to help my family...but right now i just feel so useless ...

i did something really stupid ...what i thought would be somewhat or something that i can handle ...but it just proved me wrong ..so wrong ....

i thot i can live in the land of the rich ...living in luxury ...after living in poverty and madness for a while ... but now its even madder ...

i can't sleep well...and my heart aches each time i think about it....

thank allah ..i have a wife who understands ...a mother who knows and forgave me ...a son who is my pride and joy ...friends who cared and helped ...ya allah...i'm just so blessed ....

so because of me ...my mom had to sell her flat ...completion of the sale is coming this coming 3rd oct... but my heart tells me that i am not happy ..and that things might go wrong on that day ....

ya allah..what have i done ....!!!! if its not becoz of me ...she would have still got her flat... she would still be where she is right now ...happy!!! ya allah...i'm scared ...would ever forgive me?  

i woke up in the middle of each night unable to sleep because of this ..i'm guilty...yes guilty!!!! please allah save my family!!! make them happy!!! give them all the happiness in this world...give them the life that they deserve in this world and the hereafter ....

somebody help me before i lose my sanity ... ya allah...help me ...

I want that money now!!!!

i want that money now!!! SCB was rude!!! Never give chance!!! But then again ...serves me right!!!

Letter of Demand

i had a gut feeling to go back to my house last night.  Little did i know that i was in the same lift with this despatch from advent law.  when i reached my gate, he said eh? are u ....? i said yes.  he handed my a sealed envelope and left.  i opened it and was not surprised.  but my heart was racing but thanked god that it was not tkqp. i sure hope that this secretary is nice and will listen to me.  only allah can save me now.  i texted fiqah and told her all about it.  i even took an image of the letter.  she had asked me to be patient, not to be too hopeful on the proceeds of the flat money and pray.  yup. that's what i can do for now.  

i woke up at three this morning and as usual surfed my phone.  slept at 4.30 and woke up again at 5.30 for adam and then again at 7 to leave for work.  felt so groggy and weak. with stroke like symptoms coming to me soon.   i don't know what's happening but i do hope its temporary.  

dear allah, protect me pls.... pls protect me from what i want and leave me to all my needs ... pls help me to settle all my debts....

Hooked

I am so hooked on Long Island Medium right now !!!! Real crazy shit !!! I know as Muslims we are not supposed to believe in all this ...but what a power !!!  this is one of my faves episode !!!

Anyway ...just to let you know ...I'm really feeling a little low since this morning...bank called me like 8.30 p.m last night !!! Yani picked up the phone and then asked me what why ? blah blah.... wtf !! they called at that time?  never ever before !!!! this is like crossing further boundaries !!!!

i really don't want her to pay for my debts...why? i gave her so much problems already ...lied to her ... and now this !!!  Nolah!!!

i'm really waiting for the house money to come in!!! pls come in soon !!! dear God !!! pls help me pay all my debts and fast !!!!  

i'm feeling down too coz this pain in my left foot on the ankle side is feeling it again ...i have stopped all exercise for like two weeks already ...i feel heavy and lousy ...my flu feels like its going to explode anytime soon ...initially it was just runny nose and sore throat ...and now the phelgm is like moving backwards ...!!!! so uncomfortable and suffocating !!!!

i feel like i'm going to be like super sick soon ...like strongly feel ...i feel like im going to lose both my legs first ...and then my arms ...like stroke or sth ...u knw?

i got a jab last friday night on my ankle...like that's not enuff !

what do i do? Only God can help me now!

Another Vision

I had another vision...i dreamt last night that someone came to me and told me not to let go of this white door/gate as it "protects me"....what does that mean?  

For a moment...

I thought ...im free from all debts...free like a bird... free as one can be..im really sick and tired of all these institutions calling me with their shitty private numbers ...fuck them !!! just fuck it!!!! but i cant...i really cant...i just cant... what do i do? only God can help me now...

i owe u too God...all my life i've been nothing but an asshole to myself and my family and to You ...

Please protect me from all my wants and my needs ...leave me to You ...

It's been awhile ...I feel ...

i really missed writing...wished i could write more ...wished i could do this every night before i sleep ... anyways ...just to "throwback" a few things....

last wednesday ...i did what i did...left my house and met with this angel...angelic face ...feature everything ...they were like five indians from india...searching for people to jemaah with ... loved their looks...just wondering.... they told me that they got inspiration from the terawih prayers to spread their "deen"...im just not sure if this is right...coz the terawih prayers got approval from the town council...how bout them?

i had another vision today... i dreamt that the meaning of my name "imzan" means "hati kaudu"...what!!!! is this true? Cant find anything on this on the internet!

Alhamdulillah....

Another night another day ...
I'm still alive and breathing...
I have to be alive and I have to be strong...
For what's to come ...

So come what may ...
Alhamdulillah i say...
For its You i will look for...
Through night and day ...
In times of good or bad ..
Through easy or difficult times...
I know You will always be there for me...
Looking over me...
Hovering above me...
Wherever i go...

There must be a reason why...
You still kept me alive...
There must be a reason why...
You still haven't turn your back against me...
There must be a reason why...
I'm still here ....

Alhamdulillah i say...
To You i pray...
To You i shall ...
Remain ...
Keep my faith ...
Your love will be there ...
To guide my way....

Scary(lah!)

i don't know if this is real or not or just pure coincidence ...sometimes my dreams do really come true ...i will have all these dejavus... just experience one right before zuhur just now ...can't tell u wat it was ...but it felt so real!

i also had a bad dream this early morning and woke up to this strong urge to tell her that i had a nightmare about her ... tho' it may not be as scary as what she told me hers was , it was scary for me as i had gone thru these things since i was a child ...only to understand everything now!

my wife would not believe it!!!! would you?

...and many things have happened...

i thot i have lived my life...but the best things were always kept till the last (...and no, i'm not dying yet!!!)

many of you may be wondering why am i only writing this now...it could be out of boredom or i have been wanting to express myself for a very long time now....

i have moved on from a law firm to another ...my fourth one now ...the first being that one (of four days), the second that one (of 4 years and 9 months) and the last one (a good solid 6 years)....and now this one (coming to 4 months now ...7 aug to be exact)....

loved it !!!! every minute if it...if not for the banks chasing me ...i am good !!!!

oh yes...what a ramadhan i had !!!!...an eye opener ...ear opener ... soul searching and most of all ...lots and lots of forgiveness...only then now you know who truly loves you and who doesn't !!!!

i believe these tests are not the end ...they will keep coming as i go further into reality and into the world of righteousness ....

i'll see you again ...hope is near ....