i feel better now

i feel so much better now ... i finally managed to tell her the truth after much speculation.... that really helped to ease my burden of her asking me each and every day ...she really understood my position as she is helping someone right now herself.... i thank god for the people who cared and understood ...thank you ...

throwback to wednesday .... i feel really bad that i lied my ass off...i lied to so many people ...i lied that MIL was sick...when i was at home having fun .... yup.... dear god....what will you punish me with next ?

am i going to be sick? im scared...but at the same time ...i just wanna have fun....

i want my cake and eat it too.....


i know what im doing is wrong ....and yet im still doing it... dear god...please protect me from what i want....

Its me again

I just read a blog which broke my heart... my blogs may not be as heartbreaking ...but i could feel darkness surrounding me...i try to remain calm and happy...but deep inside ...i am so hurt...and in pain...

as the eldest child and son...i am supposed to be destined to help my family...but right now i just feel so useless ...

i did something really stupid ...what i thought would be somewhat or something that i can handle ...but it just proved me wrong ..so wrong ....

i thot i can live in the land of the rich ...living in luxury ...after living in poverty and madness for a while ... but now its even madder ...

i can't sleep well...and my heart aches each time i think about it....

thank allah ..i have a wife who understands ...a mother who knows and forgave me ...a son who is my pride and joy ...friends who cared and helped ...ya allah...i'm just so blessed ....

so because of me ...my mom had to sell her flat ...completion of the sale is coming this coming 3rd oct... but my heart tells me that i am not happy ..and that things might go wrong on that day ....

ya allah..what have i done ....!!!! if its not becoz of me ...she would have still got her flat... she would still be where she is right now ...happy!!! ya allah...i'm scared ...would ever forgive me?  

i woke up in the middle of each night unable to sleep because of this ..i'm guilty...yes guilty!!!! please allah save my family!!! make them happy!!! give them all the happiness in this world...give them the life that they deserve in this world and the hereafter ....

somebody help me before i lose my sanity ... ya allah...help me ...